I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize