At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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