I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
