why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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