He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
