found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
