sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
