i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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