Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
