I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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