dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
whose ass print is on the piano?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
