I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
