I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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