It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
