dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
