My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
