nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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