you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
