The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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