You were right. It hurts to walk today.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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