is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
