The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
