So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
