if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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