enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize