3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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