I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
