i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Four minutes until I can fart!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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