i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
