I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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