I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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