Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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