I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
