i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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