The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i believe in u and ur pee
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
