i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
