Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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