I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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