you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
