All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
