To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My cat gives me a boner
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
