Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
