The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
