i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
be right there i have to get my cape
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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