Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
