i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Green mimosas i think yes
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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