she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
im holly from the hills drunk
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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