he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
