I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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