I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
