Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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