I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
