We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
