Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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