Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
