I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
