My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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