hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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